In last week’s post, I shared that my dear friend Oneika Mays told me, “[Metta] comes from Buddhism. It's this sense of unconditional friendliness. In Buddhism, it's considered one of the four divine states of being. Its shadow side is conditional love.”
Maybe you’re wondering how you can practice this unconditional friendliness. Well, on my podcast So You Think You Can Date, I shared my guiding principles in dating in the inaugural episode “So You’re Going on a First Date”. Those principles are metta, believing the best, and nonattachment.
So, metta is a guiding principle I want to operate from in all interactions. When I meet someone or spend time with someone, I determine ahead of time to show up grounded in metta. This does not mean that I am head over heels in love with everyone and only have positive thoughts about them. In my conversation with Oneika on my podcast Broadening the Narrative, I love how she talked about how she doesn't have to like everyone in order to love them and to show up with that unconditional friendliness. She said something like, “I don't like very many people.” That resonated deeply with me because it is hard for me to give my time and energy toward people and to like people, for a lot of reasons that we don't have to get into right now, but I don't have to like people to love them. I can show up with metta being a guiding principle, while still being very selective about my time and my energy and where I invest those things and who I choose to invest in while metta is on my mind.
Now, you might be thinking that it’s too difficult to extend metta to all beings, especially the human ones, given the state of (gestures wildly) everything. I would encourage you to get curious about the things that contribute to any resistance you feel to the idea of exercising unconditional friendliness. This is where my second guiding principle in dating (and all relationships) comes into play and ties into metta. I believe the best about people. This is not because I am too naive or optimistic or dumb. It's because I would rather put my energy towards believing the best instead of believing the worst. That holds up until or unless the person gives me a reason to no longer believe the best.
The third guiding principle that I use in dating and other interactions is nonattachment. By that I mean nonattachment to a specific outcome. This also ties into metta. The shadow side of metta is conditional love. When I operate from a mindset of metta, I let go of conditional love.
I have a quote here from The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton that illustrates this point beautifully. “What would it be like to love without attachment? To open our hearts to someone with no expectations, loving just for the joy of it, regardless of what we might get back. Imagine seeing the beauty and virtues of a beloved and letting go of how their strengths might meet our needs or how their beauty might make us look better.”
Implementing metta, believing the best, and not being attached to an outcome do not mean that I invest in relationships that drain me or that are not rooted in reciprocity. All of this just means that I love for the joy of loving. Next week, I will expound on each of the other two guiding principles I mentioned here (believing the best and nonattachment) to answer the question, “What is metta for me?”
All right, beautiful people, I am sending you metta today and always and so, so, so much love.
Additional Resources:
Mindfulness, Metta, and Mutual Aid with Oneika Mays on Broadening the Narrative
Are We Free Yet? by Tina Strawn
You Are the Medicine by Asha Frost
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